T'ara Diaries: September 24, 2025

Dear Diary,

hoe we are unraveling some deeply rooted activities, patterns, and trauma about self-belief and perfectionism. So let's get into today. First off, bitch, my second dress came in with the shoes. I love the other dress more, but this dress screams main character? The other one is more poise and I love to make a statement. I need to put my hair on rollers on Monday Night so they can be ready for Houston on Wednesday. OH, and it's my 10-year high school reunion btw. I need to stop fishing for reassurance. Point blank period. Today in a conversation with my boo I created a scenario that really didn't exist lmao. It was how I perceived things and I painted a narrative in my head, so I self-sabotaged instead of simply saying: "I love talking to you. I enjoy our conversations and the connection we have." I wondered or wanted to hear those words reciprocated back to me vebatim in a way I understood, but what I got was: "I got you some stuff from the store today that we talked about". We're saying the same thing in different languages. I'm looking for evidence that I'm valued through words, but not seeing it through his actions. Well, instead of seeing it in his actions. I've never been loved through true action and reciprocal intention. I always got words that didn't match how I was being treated. So it's triggering dating someone who is more blunt because I'm use to a fantasy of people telling me what I want to hear and not giving me what I want or giving me what I want but being dismissive or combative about it. When I don't get exactly what I want without pushback, it frightens me. I'm used to always getting what I want, but with pushback attached to it. So even if I do get what I want, when it comes with ease, it scares me and when I don't get what I want, it seen as rejection. In other words, I'm use to rejection, but as apart of the process even when things are working in my favor. In dating, I see this rejection as a trigger. Because getting what I want, although it can come with ease, it can also come with a potential threat. My body doesn't want to feel the potential rejection of asking for what I want and the possibility of being turned down. It doesn't want to experience the aftermath of a risk. Because risks through my experience equate to possible failure, and failure is my fault. Failure has been taught to me as an experience that requires blame. That I'm doing something wrong instead of simply being a part of the process. I have to learn to separate pushback or rejection, or failure from my worth. That nothing I do is attached to who I am as a being or what I'm deserving of. Love doesn't have to be performative, neither do I.