"I'm a little bit overwhelmed": T'ara Diaries, September 28th, 2025

Bloom by Durand Bernarr is a soundtrack for the black experience. And I would love to do a deep dive in all the ways of how, but baby. As the title says, I'm a bit overwhelmed. I have so many versions of me to be. So many things to do. So many pathways, and I feel like I'm slacking. The time that I'm spending on dates, I could be spending on becoming. Locking in. I feel it's because I'm not always strict with myself that I feel this way. Choosing me in rest and productivity. However, I must say that over the past week, I have been feeling way better. It's just upsetting me and my homegirl cause I feel like, well, damn. Is we going to continue to talk about running a stricter program or are we going to lock in and run one? So I'm trying to gain clarity on what I want and why. There's a part of me that feels that once my career is set, I will feel complete. Why am I getting deja vu? bad. I feel like something's missing, and the key in my head is to improve myself. SO, I have a couple of concepts that I locked in on and captured that I'd love to do a deeper analysis on. This week's goal is to write or at least compile those topics together and start diving into them and nerding out. I keep yelling boundaries, boundaries... bitch you need discipline, discipline. In a cycle of knowing that change takes time, knowing I could be doing better, and giving myself grace, but also being tf fr. I feel like if I wasn't dating I'd be so locked into the program that WD40 couldn't loosen my grip. But that's not what I want for myself, or at least that's the narrative I tell. The reality is, I'm scared of what 100% choosing me looks like. Who will I lose? What will that discomfort look like? So I'm coasting. What scares me is that it seems to be working "for me". That taking the scenic route, intentionally spending time with my community, and not putting my all into just work, is actually "working". But, I know I could go harder. I know what my full capacity is. i'm used to being overwhelmed with work and managing that having these intentional breaks in between where I'm actively choosing things outside of work. All this sounds like BS to me. I feel like I'm choosing a man over my future. period. I'm trying to keep him and keep myself. I know that I can do better but I keep picking a pattern of familiarity.