T'ara Diaries: October 1, 2025

Okay, back in. this bitch fr. Why New apartment by Ari Lennox playing, lmao. I subconsciously suppressed it. Like I'm singing it in my head but I'm like not processing that i'm really in an apartment. I'm in school. I have an internship? These are big things? Why am I not happy? Joyous, gratitiude, also indeed but I'm in this constant state of reprogramming my nervous system to have the capacity to hold the thing. To release all the old stuff. And it's challenging. Challenging these thoughts, these patterns that once served and protected me. This new version of me has space for them in a different capacity. Like I need you once to survive as that version of me, but this version has other skills. more healthy or just different. I struggle with change. I enjoy evolution and having thirty million tabs going but sometimes its hard for even me to keep up. What seemed like yesterday but I think was really Sunday, a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts came on and it talk about all the noise in society. The overstimuli. and how overstimulating it is to our nervous systems. It came on randomly after I was meditating. It was kind of triggering tbh. Towards the end, it ended in a repentance session. Talking about how we need to humble ourselves before God. I'd advise that y'all watch it for y'all selves. I struggle to identify myself 100% with the imagery of the "Christian God" particuarly the one we characterize in the black community. Black people have a strong connection to suffering when it comes to religion. We don't even need people to supress us, we supress ourselves with the rhetoric that there's a being that loves us uncondiitionally BUT we're underserving of his love? Bitch ain't that a condition lmao. And we gaslight people who question the faith when some of it is contradictory in certain contexts. You have to know how to cross-reference to an extreme that even takes scholars a moment to get it together. Alot of this suffering rhetoric I don't subscribe to. Now, I'm rebellious because I don't want to choose something that doesn't feel like it fits me. I'm rebellious for saying no, but I have free will. Alot of Christians need to be so fr. I'm honestly angry because we're mixing up "black culture" and putting it in a box. Confusing trauma with identity and identity with trauma. African American culture is what it is because of trauma. period. It's the roots of survival on a soil that tried to bury you, but still blooming. Modern day Christianity feels like a stripping of not just patterns, and ways, but the history of who we are. You're telling me to go against my knowing, my beliefs, and conform to what you want me to be? or what this book tells me to be that came from the people who inflicted so much pain on us? I don't feel like we explore the depths of how intersectional the effects of slavery is. How intentional the mind programming so we could continue to be bond are. Although freedom through Christ exists, freedom overall takes work. Not everybody can just bypass suffering under the guise of "it was preparation for the blessing". Some people don't even want the blessing. When I hear the "milk and honey" on the otherside of the suffering all I hear is purpose attached to this idea of a job or "assignment". A spouse, or etc. As if I want more responsibility? And we just people who are considered "bound" because they're having a little bit of a struggle releasing control, to a heavenly father that felt so far away? I feel fearful even trying to express this. I'm upset. I'm tired. I'm tired of being told that I should be grateful and supressing this deep-seated anger. I'm tired of my emotions being invalidated and told to grind, to suppress them. "You gone really question God because you won't let go of a man? The answer is yes. Because why my happiness is the problem? Why I gotta sacrifice my familiarity for newness I didn't ask for? Why is everyone telling me what's best for me. "Because I love you to much." And the reason I can't seem to let go of things when they don't serve me is because I don't understand how to love. And I honestly don't believe that. I been taught to love everything else but myself. I like being ratchet. I love twerking. I love a good smoke sesh with my friends. Everything is good in moderation. I want to do what I want to do. Period. As a woman. A Black woman. I lived my entire life through the scope of what being "morally right" in a society where I'm not even looked at as moral. It pisses me off. I feel guilty for choosing love. I want to choose myself. But the only thing society has taught me about myself and how I'm perceived to love, is how to save others. Keep that shit. -Mrs. former superwoman