These past 8 1/2 months I have been focusing on slow progression, learning when to take breaks, allowing myself to experience and cultivate new moments, creating my own compass, and figuring out what works for meāa rediscovery phase. It's really been out with the old and in with the new! And that's on Sharpay.
I'm extremely proud of my resilience and choosing myself over the past couple of years. Last year, was the year of redemption. I launched my services offering graphics and personalized items. I traveled solo. I was outside like an exterior. Oh and that debut epā¦Dropped, ate, chewed dine.
I watched the seeds of everything that Iāve been planting since I was a child blossom and I proved to myself that I truly can do anything I put my mind to, next was creating a routine and being disciplined...which is still kicking my behind like a bad kid sitting behind you on a Spirit flight (but we'll get into discipline and consistency in the next blog).
This year, was my transformation yearāthe chrysalis. I focused my time and effort on work, self-improvement, social life, and faith. From investing in myself/my career to setting boundaries to being consistent in the goals I set for myself, especially with my fitness journey, it was definitely an ME season. HEAVY on the all glory be to God.
So far I enrolled in 3 e-courses one for marketing/content and another for design, went on a cruise, saw Grammy award-winning Megan the Stallion, let that man that I was hiding from y'all like Drake go, and left the dead weight with him cause ya girl giving skinny legend hunnnnnnnnny.
Okay, let me stop cause Iām still texting that man. But you still texting that lady baby daddy who wonāt even buy you a 4for4, so mind your business.
One of the things Iām learning though through this relational transition is forgiveness.
Since 2023, I decided to create a theme for each year, and this year I chose the theme, āLet go and receiveā.
The hardest part about transformation is the grief in letting go but to receive you must release.
Some of y'all might have seen my post at the beginning of the year that scalped everybody edges:
Release things that donāt serve you, the expectations of disappointment, anger, and resentment toward the people who failed you, and the idea of how you thought things should be.
Which is easier said than done. As I learn to forgive and grow, Iām learning to balance boundaries and have compassion for myself and others. I'm recognizing that learning/awareness of your trauma is easy but what they donāt tell you is that to unlearn trauma you have to die to yourself.
After, a canceled therapy appointment and binge of season 2 of The Legend of Korra, I realized there weren't just broken pieces of an inner child left within me, but an entire system that needed to be uprooted, tooted, and booted. Over the past couple of years, Iāve been artistically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stuck in the past and grieving. My whole 2024 replay is a time capsule of music from 2019 and earlier.
So, being wearier of the ways of the world than Solange on track 2 of A Seat at the Table, after 3 months of no smoking, almost 2 months of no drinking, and a month of no contact, I relapsed and called my ex and told him to pull up with an emergency bottle of the strongest alcohol and a blunt.
Now Iām in the car looking like:
Me being me, isolating myself in the house for 2 weeks, what seemed like a regular jam session in my driveway, he instantly clocked as a manic episode. Me being me again, someone who is used to high levels of stress and trauma, I actually thought this was my version of okay -- which was this idea of "I'm under a lot of pressure now, but I'm making it".
Then it registered in my mind that I was so used to being in survival mode that I had conditioned myself to believe that being overwhelmed is normal. It also clicked that I called him because he was my comfort and I have not felt safe for so long.
Additionally, I haven't had many males in my life that I trust or overall safe spaces. The ones that I did have were deceased, wanted to talk to me romantically, or I experienced some form of loss or distance within those relationships. I haven't had many consistent and healthy safe spaces since my psychosis. So I turned back to the comforts I knew... jocing and dating.
So Iām having this cognitive dissonance in my driveway while needing to lean on someone and the only person available is the person who failed me. While they were able to show up for me at that moment, the phenomenon fully was able to click for me.
Chile listenā¦ I turned into a seatbelt the past couple of weeks.
This is what they mean when they say people can love you but still do not have the full capacity to love you or care for you in the ways you need. Through his genuine concern and knowledge of me and my behaviors I can tell that he cared about me, itās just within the relationship what I required he didn't have the tools to provideā that which I learned from studying and getting to know him.
They couldnāt show up in those ways for themselves eitherā¦they were never taught the tools or given the support to unlearn the patterns and cycles they keep looping in.
Now this is not to give an excuse for abusers or enable such behaviors.
But when we realize we are all just broken inner children, I think forgiveness, although still a process, is easier to initiate.
A quote I have been living by is, āMaybe anger is just grief prolonged", by C.S. Lewis.
I had been carrying this grief and disappointment and repackaging it throughout my relationships.
A lot of my relationships were to fill the subconscious void of unforgiveness I had towards my parents, my exes, and the trauma from the loss of many people in my life.
I knowingly and unknowingly brought people into my mess trying to heal through them or myself. It's not that I didn't care about them, just romantically I probably should have waited.
I have a wound that chases a feeling so anything that replicates it I either gravitate toward it or push it away, but romantically, I now know what I value in a partner. I entertained people who cared about me but couldn't provide that and then got mad at the person. Yet, sometimes itās hard to let go, admit, or come to the reality that people or you just don't have the capacity.
But it is my job to learn interdependence and leave people who canāt satisfy my romantic needs alone. I was never meant to be one of those girls with a roster tbh. Thatās just the villain y'all watch me turn into turned into.
So I'm working on forgiveness of myself and others. That includes those past versions of myself because they were just using what they had to survive to get by. If it wasnāt for them fighting and doing the work, I wouldnāt be here.
So year 27, is my chrysalis and seed era. Weāre continuing the theme of releasing and making space to receive, continuing this personal transformation.
Like a flower, our paths often begin in the obscurity and uncertainty of a seed buried in the dark soil. With time, patience, and the right conditions, the seed sprouts and breaks through the earth, just as our ability to persevere in overcoming life's challenges.
Just as, a butterfly starts its life as a humble caterpillar, navigating its world and preparing for transformation. The caterpillar's retreat into a chrysalis symbolizes our periods of introspection and inner work, where unseen changes occur.
So my challenge for you in this blog post is from my personal Attorney J. Magee: recognize some of your unhealthy patterns and coping mechanisms and write alternative healthy ways you can react in those situations. This is going to take some work but itās a start.
Iāll be leaving some of the resources, and tools at the bottom. And baby, be sure to read that disclaimerā¦ this is no shape or form a substitute for professional help if you are struggling PLEASE go sit in that lady chair.
I know my blogs are usually more jam-packed but, I decided to be more consistent this year so expect us to continue this journey, dive deep, and explore. So be sure to subscribe because we are going to get into it hunny!
With love, integrating into light,
That Soulciologist
Your favorite Multimedia Mogul š
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Prayer:
Ā Heavenly Father,
I come before You with a humble heart, seeking Your grace and mercy. I ask for Your forgiveness for any wrongs I have committed, knowingly or unknowingly. Cleanse me, Lord, and wash away my sins. Help me to forgive myself and others, releasing any guilt or shame that holds me back.
Lord, I seek Your divine protection as I navigate this period of transformation. Shield me from all harm and negativity. Surround me with Your angels, guiding and guarding me through every step I take. May Your presence be a constant source of comfort and strength.
Father, I ask for Your healing touch upon my body, mind, and spirit. Heal the wounds of my past, and restore me to wholeness. Grant me peace in my heart and clarity in my mind. Let Your healing power flow through me, renewing my spirit and bringing me closer to You.
During this journey of change, I lean on You for support and guidance. Help me to trust in Your plan and to find courage in Your promises. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, that I may grow in wisdom and understanding. Grant me the strength to embrace new beginnings and the patience to endure challenges.
Thank You, Lord, for Your unwavering love and support. I place my life in Your hands, knowing that You are with me every step of the way.
In Jesus' name, I pray.
Amen.
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